(See further down for added section).

I had a good title for this which was better worded, but it was two characters over the limit x.x

So, tomorrow's the end of my last full week at TGS. Man, I have completely changed since I got there - several times. There are remnants of my childhood self in me, but they aren't the way they once were. Was I better back then? Maybe, but only really when looking through my extremely oblivious eyes at that point. Anyway, I couldn't have stayed that way. I have a few memories from back then... I wasn't even aware of most of what's made me how I am now. Like... deviantArt, rock, all of my friends, a levels, an academic world beyond the basic structure I knew, a concrete sense that other people thought differently to me... I could go on for a while.

I wonder whether it's symbolic that I feel kinda ill right now. My stomach hurts and feels ill similarly to when I've played clarinet all day and I'm not used to it, but I have a cough so it's worse. Idk. I'm not going on about that now.

I... am sad to be leaving. Reasons follow. I know I've taken for granted the sort of people I find at TGS, whatever their personality. They're intelligent in a way most people aren't. I remember going to a study day at another school. They didn't just learn the subject. They learned the course and they knew they learned the course. It was very course-centred. At TGS... you learn about the subject. Does that make sense? Then, the really great people I've found here, both recently and years ago. Some of them I only really began to know and appreciate in the sixth form. In fact, those people have become my in-school friendship group. Now that I think about it, I didn't properly know any of them before, but then I got rather focused on my increasingly out-of-school friends towards the end of the uniform years so it's not surprising I got lonely in school and didn't make new ones. Idk. I'm really glad to have met the people I have. They're my favourite people... I'm also going to miss the stability of educational life. So, I guess I'm not missing TGS as an institution, but I'm going to miss what I've found within it. I'll miss the people. I know exactly how bad I am at keeping in touch with even the people I really want to, let alone others, so a lot of people are going to fade into that 'distant' category in the next few months. That makes me sad.

What inspired the title of this journal is what comes next. I had another of those decision-making moments the other day and they are really bad for me. The sort when I actually decide on even the vaguest direction for my life. They're always a bad idea because I immediately question them. I extrapolate every negative I find into a reason why it's not worth me doing, whether that's for my own good or that of wherever I might end up. Maybe I'm too perfectionist. Hm. Being unable to be comfortable with making such decisions ends up with life being quite difficult. At least, when you have to make big decisions. The dichotomy part of that title came from the whole science-art thing I have in me; except it's more like rationality/logic-creativity/imagination. Whenever I go too far one way, all my thoughts about what I want to do end up on the other side. It's like being a living chemical equilibrium. For example, I'm doing a lot of mathsy stuff next year, so recently I started wanting to write space opera novels. I don't even know if I could get myself to write something like that. Would it be worth reading? Basically, the self-defeating mechanism goes like this: anything I'm not good at, I shouldn't do; anything I am good at, I'm not good enough to do. Fairly simple. I don't know. It's difficult to imagine fusing these two halves of myself. Actually, I'm probably simplifying it. I bet there are more sides.

So I guess mostly what's scaring me is this: once TGS is over I have no idea what to do with my life. Worse, I'm uncomfortable with any decision I do make. Well, except the ones that resign myself to some out-of-the-way place where I'm just meaningless.

The thing about the title being about more than one dichotomy is that sometimes I have on/off switches. That's how I describe them, anyway. Passionate/neutral. I want to think of more but they won't appear in my head.

On an up note, my Odyssey exam was pretty easy and I got that Slash fan pack. Great album.

Edit: addition.

Okay, so I fixed my down mood with a few hours of no lights, Slash's new album, computer and just music for a bit, then lots of ideas. I'm now excitable and very happy.

Before you read the next bit, I'll tell you an INTP's functions so you're prepared: Ti, Ne, Si, Fe. That's the order of dominance. You'll need it to make sense of the conversation-type things later on

Basically, an INFJ friend of mine (check out the last journal for links on understanding what that means) posted something on being inspired by her conversation with me (INTP) and her girlfriend (a fellow INTP) over Skype in which we talked about a comic involving functions and how they'd work for INTPs. She couldn't answer for her functions right then and there. She just said what she thought they'd say, though. It was really interesting. Here: [link] . Her and INTJ's Ni has blueprints. Fi's all excited about it and is just saying 'yes, that's awesome!'. Se's wondering about getting icecream to make people feel better and Te has tools ready to put it into practice. In our conversation, we said the analytical Ti is Sherlock. Then Ne is just sorta crazy, but although it annoys Ti it's appreciated for coming up with stuff for Ti to think about. Si's the museum curator. Fe's the public relations manager. The concise thing I came up with basically looks like this:

Ti: *masterminding* So, lets find a concise explanation for how this works…

Ne: *extremely excited* IDEAS! FROM MARS! On x and y and z and what about sigma??

Si: *serious and knowledgeable* Well, previous experience tells us that….

Fe: *worried* I do hope nobody minds…

The only really annoying thing is that I can't show the disdain for Ne as well as the primary interests of Ti and Si with just one sentence… Being an INTP is such a contrast of priorities. It's insane. The extroverted functions are sort of on their own and don't immediately work with Ti and Si who stick together in this super-analysis combination of awesomeness and utilise the other two, taking them into account a bit while still looking down on them for not being super logical.

Here's the long version that led to that conclusion:

Ne: Ooooooooh, cool shiny!

Ti: *strokes chin and speaks in a serious, deeply contemplative manner* We must analyse this to find out exactly why shiny is shiny and 'cool'. First, to define and categorise 'shiny' and 'cool'…

Ne: What about all these different angles?

Ti: Argh, Ne, shut up. I'm already working on your first point. But those are interesting…. I guess we could come back.

Ne: These points too?

Ti: NE!

Ne: *sheepish but undaunted*

Si: The definition of 'shiny' is that it is highly polished and reflects light

Ti: Okay, so shiny is highly polished and reflecting light. That is why it is shiny. Look at this knowledge! I figured it out.

Ne: But what defines 'shiny' in the dark? Or where light doesn't exist?

Ti: You're right, but you're ruining my concise conclusion! However, this must also be considered. But first, 'cool'…

Ne: Social context, but also temperature and subjective perspectives. Do any of those things affect the 'shinyness' of shiny?

Ti: Well, er…

Si: In previous social experiences, 'cool' has been seen to be either a synonym for 'interesting' or 'good'. In any case, it's positive. Experience is not sufficient for a meaningful answer on how temperature affects shinyness-

Ne: But there's a distinct possibility on a molecular level-

Ti: Ne, shut up! Go on, Si?

Si: With regards to the subjective, our combined view of 'cool' in this personality usually relates to something interesting or exciting. Again, also sometimes used as a synonym for good. Our view is also often very unusual, and therefore not representative of the social norm.

Fe: But does our subjective view matter at all in this reasoning, or when it's not particularly prevalent in a group context? If it's not important overall, should it be considered as worthwhile evidence? Also, once this is done I'm not sure it'll be good enough to share with the others just yet. It'll bring down the social tone, people won't be interested and it might even be looked down on. It's such an irrelevant subject!

Ti: Thanks, Si. Fe, you too but stop worrying! You're illogical! What matters is the objectivity and whether it's right. Although with the subjectivity thing the objectivity might have already been compromised. Ne, you've made this too much. It's getting difficult to control, remember and decide upon. So we must conclude that-

Ne: But what about the glinting?

Ti: Really, Ne, we don't have time! We're concluding that shiny is shiny because it reflects light. It is cool, in the social context because it is interesting but that is subjective and therefore doesn't represent the whole. For the other things the information is insufficient for a concise and conclusive answer.

Fe: But what about sharing it with the world? It's not ready yet! It's got to be complete and able to stand on its own before we release it to the group scrutiny… Can't bring down the group mood unless they're going to be into it…

Ti: Okay, okay, Fe. Ne, you can come back in now. Next idea?

——

Hahahaha. With Ne, this was never going to be a short comic. It's a whole thought process in character form.

xD Night, guys.