Has become such a darn obsession these days.
I was thinking about my younger self yesterday. Mostly about how rubbish developing inferior Fe is (if that doesn't make sense to you then you should probably just skip to the next section). I mean, when I was a child it was fine, but then Ti started developing really strongly and my whole worldview was narrowed through that. I would get absolutely intolerant of obviously illogical things because there was no Fe counterweight. I remember it and I didn't always feel bad because that impulse was too weak to have an effect. Then Fe starts developing and Ti goes 'what the fuck?' because the whole mind is build around Ti by this point. Eventually Fe has a better balancing effect but it still ends up mostly secret so Ti can experiment with it and figure out how to deal with it. I mean, talking with the later mentioned friend has made me realise what an expert I've become on procedures for dealing with or accessing Fe emotions. Also.... my social awareness is bad now. It must have been really shit before. Being straightforward is just easier. More people should be that way.
I keep finding that I am drawn to religion historically as an aspect of the development of human understanding and rationalisation. I am obsessed with analysing how people think. I think I like to figure out firstly how people dealt with generating rational worldviews without the aid of modern science and, secondly, how these beliefs affected their decision-making. The religious freedom due to polytheism (in ancient times, anyway) also intrigues me. If I didn't have modern science or philosophy of any era, I'd probably choose the Greco-Roman pantheon. I like how much more sensible it seems, as religions go. Also it feels somewhat safer analysing religion as an aspect of history ><;
I had work experience last week in London. It was with a place which turns out to be a darn important company: Redwood content marketing firm. They do things like the Zoom Zoom Mazda campaign (the team I helped out with), Land Rover's magazine, Boots, Marks & Spencer, Virgin.... Suffice to say, it's a big place. It's within two minutes' walk of Charing Cross station and ten seconds' walk of Trafalgar Square. It's right above a Pret a Manger (which I became fairly well-acquainted with; I bought two bottles of apple juice every day because... I like basic routines; they guide my distracted mind through the day) and I needed an electronic pass to get into the relevant floors. Man, it was pretty cool.
I went up with my contact the first day (a friend of my mum's from the riding stables and pretty much one of the top people there) and from going home that day onwards I just handled travel myself. I always dressed on the smart side of smart-casual; was polite; spoke when spoken to; took my work seriously (though I never felt I was doing it well enough, but that's to be expected since I'm not the best researcher because I'm too specific and I was inexperienced); usually only went for lunch when a couple of people suggested that I should stop work and, you know, go outside. Um. It turns out to have been a really, really busy week for them. I just did things they didn't have time for which weren't too complicated. So, research on Mexico for a trip they're planning there (a lot of their magazine is travel-orientated); choosing the winners of people who sent in photographs to the zoom-zoom moments competition they run every issue; compiling a list of who's providing the images and videos for particular features... Originally the Mexico research was on Salamanca which basically has zero tourist industry. I just had to go with general Mexican history and stuff for surrounding towns, which is just as well because it turns out that's what they wanted in the end. But, yeah, that research was horrible to start with because I had literally nothing to go on. There is no travel information on Salamanca except for shit business hotels. I also got to sit in on a long, big meeting, a smaller meeting and a conference call. I got to have my own work station the whole time with a mac (which I somehow figured out how to use) because someone had left the Friday before. So, yeah, awesome. Oh and the Friday ended early with a Pimm's party. Pretty awesome. The team invited me to the pub for lunch with them but.... yeah I didn't know what to do with that invite so I just didn't really answer and wandered instead. I was so dazed and in my own world most of the time that I would jump every time anyone addressed me ><;
So, yes, I've discovered why I like to divise simplistic routines for myself. If I didn't I would be even more clueless and distant. For example, having a shower routine has cut shower time by literally thirty minutes more because I have a reason to remain aware of how much time has passed. I used to just stand there for ten minutes every time a thought crossed my mind. So.... yes, routines focus my mind; or at least guide my physical self while my mind meanders.
Oh, oh, Thursday was the coolest day! It was the day of the conference call (which was interesting in itself because I liked analysing the people interactions and observing the process), but it was also the day I, for the first time, met an internet friend in real life. I've been talking to her almost constantly for... several months now. I am not kidding. I've given up on skype because texting makes it easier to actually do something whilst talking. I gave them a location which I practically triangulated with five different reference points. Only had an hour... but, man, did my mind go crazy. I barely stopped talking. I didn't have enough thought space left over to be nervous. I was less aware of the world than normal. It was.... It made me really happy. Oh, and the friend I met up with has people-reading superpowers. She would interrupt my rambles (which I didn't mind because I wasn't really in control of myself due to thought overload) and ask me what I thought of a particular person. I wouldn't really be able to tell her anything and she would tell me literally twelve things or so about what sort of person they were. It's a superpower, I swear. I didn't eat lunch that day, but I had more energy on that day than any other. She also had an adorable fear of pigeons. I wish we'd had more than an hour because then I might have run out of thoughts for long enough to talk rationally ><
I'm supposed to choose the subjects I'm doing next year tomorrow. No idea what to choose. I could do Philosophy, History, Sociology or History of Art. I would like to do Philosophy but I don't know whether I'd get annoyed because I could see loopholes everywhere and become frustrated with it. Maybe History, because I really should learn to study History properly. History of Art was alright but if I did Classics it would be useful. Sociology.... the name bugs me. It might be alright.... So mainly I want Philosophy and History but that depends on how well-suited to them I actually am and which retakes they make me do. I mean, I got Ds and Es in Chemistry this year (which I mostly consider a lost cause now) and my C (how the fuck did I get a C??) in one of the AS English modules meant my two As at A2 didn't get me an A overall. I wouldn't mind retaking that because
how the fuck did I get a C? So, yeah... I like fast learning and deadlines, plus I already have three A-levels, so this year is, believe it or not, practically educational recreation. I like that I've chosen to do it. I like the idea of being alone and just getting lots of knowledge. I just hope that I don't lose interest halfway through the year the way I normally do. I'm getting better at working hard so one never knows. Still can't fucking work at home, though. It's not comfortable here.
Which brings me to the thought that I've pretty much decided to be a writer because it's the only thing which allows me the societal and imaginative freedom I want. I intend to obtain a typewriter, or at least a basic laptop which is solely for writing and is not my recreational laptop so I won't get distracted. I don't think I could have those things in this house, though. It's... unsettling. I will one day. I'll probably want a dedicated room away from distractions and the world. I'll see what I come up with... I know I'm being optimistic, foolish or overambitious in the way I've phrased this. I suppose I didn't mention that because I figured that the awareness would be implicit. I need to do writing that isn't blogging... except I tend to feel as awkward when I write as when I do a presentation. Therefore, practice. I.... like the freedom of mind that comes with being a writer. I mean, I read a Bill Bryson book which he wrote because he realised he didn't understand science, so he researched and wrote an awesome book on it. How cool would it be to do that? Well, maybe not 'cool' per se... As I usually put it, 'cool' in my world.
Doctor Who starts on Saturday! Also, I am probably watching it with
chilliduppy who got back today
So, yes, awesomeness.
I really need to find out when term starts...
Hope you're all having as good a time as can be expected =]
