Why the popularity all of a sudden?

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I don't understand why, but suddenly people want to talk to me; both in real life and online. I don't really have any idea how to deal with that. There are people who follow me on tumblr who want my skype to talk to me. People I know in real life (particularly with regards to those I meet through Kent Music) who suddenly turn up and make conversation. Even to just keep me company. I mean... I don't get it. Why? What have I done? I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to make them have to stand around awkwardly. I like being around them but... I have nothing to say. I really don't. I find small talk very, very difficult. There isn't the level of depth there to stimulate my thinking so I end up with nothing. I can discuss just fine. But... talking to these people? I don't get it. I know I should appreciate it, but that's overridden by confusion. I'm used to being a loner. I know how to deal with that. I wander around and try to stay unnoticed while figuring out where I should be and thinking. That works for me. It's worked for me since I got there. Now suddenly the tuba player I've had an on-off acquaintanceship with for four years or so wants to hang out with me when we go to Benenden in a few weeks because he doesn't like seeing me have to be on my own (man, is he an extrovert, but I don't mind the sentiment), and I'm not sure what to do with that. At Benenden I hang out in my room the entire time, reading, texting and listening to music until I have to be somewhere.

Also, with regards to tumblr, about four have my skype ID now. One just sort of found me through my username. I mean, I feel like a celebrity with stalker fans or something. Argh, confused. My social skills aren't refined enough to deal with this. I'm just... clueless... and... really not comfortable with all these new people. They're nice but talking to them... I can't do it. I have literally nothing to say. I don't want to do whatever they're doing, really.

Maybe this is just my anxiety related to new situations talking. I get like this when I don't know what to expect. Some new situations are fine. I don't like to plan everything down to the last detail so that nothing's a surprise. I just... I don't like having no framework at all. It makes me feel precarious..

Meh =/

I'm really, really annoyed about how booked up my holidays are. Really fucking annoyed. It just isn't stopping. I've got one day of rest tomorrow, then we're off to fucking Wales. Actually... I'm going out even tomorrow. To Clarinet in the evening. Just... fucking... what the hell? It hasn't stopped since study leave. First a day at next year's school that completely crashed me out because it made me so tired, then a day of freedom, a concert, a week on a boat getting a competent crew qualification, another concert, an end of TGS meet-up, driving to Orpington today, some stupid strawberry and fizz drinks thing at TGS this evening, then clarinet hopefully, then fucking Wales from Tuesday until Friday, the week after that is supposedly free, then Benenden from probably Friday until Tuesday, then shortly after that a two-week sailing holiday with little access to power to charge my phone. I'll go through a ton of books. I bet results day is after that; then school. Why has this happened to me?? I don't mind about the individual things so much. But... the alone time. Where is it?? I want at least several days on my own. Oh and there's a work experience thing in there somewhere. I hate life sometimes.

Well, often, actually. Modern life is so false. It's mostly a load of invented things we use to occupy ourselves until we die. I don't know... I guess this was highlighted to me by some of the books I read on the sailing trip and by the trip itself. Whenever I go away and come back I see the routine I'm in. How falsified and pointless it is. I sometimes wish that I could be more involved with the natural world and just not deal with any of this. Is this an existential crisis returning? I doubt it. I guess I'll just stick to my previously-decided philosophy like glue. I can be good at such things. Might as well get some use out of this life while I'm here, I guess.

I don't really know what to do with myself at the moment... Mostly catching up on reading, music and dvds. I was going to play my Clarinet more but I don't think I'm going to find the damned time. Let alone talking to people. I miss.... I've been so busy. I hate being prohibitively busy. A friend I made through tumblr gave me her phone number so we've been texting and skyping a lot lately. That's been very interesting, if a little tiring because it takes energy to do such things ><; It's great, though. Lives in the UK, too. Never meet anyone who lives in the UK online. Always from the US... or another foreign country.

So, yeah, I'm technically allowed to crew a boat now. The people were me and five aged 34+ guys, including my dad. Fucking fantastic. Loved it. They actually toasted me on the last night for putting up with them and I told them that it'd actually been one of the best weeks of my life. Put up with them? It was brilliant. Shirts. No fussing. Practicality.... One of the guys played Metallica, Aerosmith and AC/DC through the speakers, one was a producer on Scrapheap Challenge and had interviewed Alice Cooper and one was a psychologist who knew about MBTI and Ancient History. Couldn't really have picked better guys. I was an honorary guy. I think I'll stick with that title. Oh, and I love rope gloves. They kinda make me want to be a biker. They're really tough.

I drove a friend home from that meet-up I mentioned earlier yesterday. No difficulty getting home. Getting there... the sat nav wouldn't turn on, so I was a little uncertain as to whether I'd remember the way. Parking was... difficult, although I managed. I couldn't understand where I should park. We watched Zombieland (although I only caught the end after the concert earlier made me get home so late), played a few games like truth ('or dare' but we didn't do the dare part) combined with spin the bottle and a Wii game. Definitely a good evening. Tired, though.

Do you ever realise how damned crowded the UK feels? You don't have to drive for five minutes to find another settlement. One of the reasons I'd like to move to Norway or something is just the sheer space. The UK is so crowded x.x

I really want to know my A-level results. It's like playing a game and waiting for months to see your damn score. I wonder what to think of the fact that, while most other people at least see them as career-orientated, I just want my score. I want to see how clever I've been in the subject. I don't expect Chemistry to turn out well. Classics and English are likely to be A or B grades. Hopefully...

I'm sorry I haven't been posting these much. I have... drains on my thoughts. Even tumblr isn't getting as much attention. I try to keep posting something here, though. Sometimes when I have a thought I consider where to put it; who might see it, etc. dA and tumblr are repositories for different sorts of information, so I reckon dA'll stick around for a while yet.

Now to find that podcast episode I was on...


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kaian's avatar
Honestly, I feel the same way about Skype. I haven't talked to anyone on it yet (except purtistringo, through the IM function) because it kinda freaks me out a little. At least on tumblr, I have the time to think about what to say, and I only say what's necessary. With phones, video chat, and in person, I think it's nice to have the auditory context (tone of voice, inflection, etc.), but I feel like such an awkward dork. I'm not good at small talk, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. :/