To replace that last journal

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with something probably not much better. I feel like complaining about things which aren't worth complaining about. The text would be almost completely pointless, having no real goal. I seem to be judging potential posts this way a lot lately. Also I seem to have completely forgotten about this first part when writing this. Sorry about that.

I have work experience with the Mazda 'Zoom Zoom' team at Redwood's magazine publishing company this week. A friend told me that I'm remarkable to her for not feeling anything about it, but honestly I don't know what to feel. There's nothing for me to base feelings on yet. No real experience. Mostly, like always, I just feel apprehensive. I don't really know what to wear. I'd wear jeans, but I'm not sure whether I can yet, or suit trousers, but those feel over the top, which leaves me with black trousers and none of those have fucking pockets. I feel so empty and without support when I have no pockets. Nowhere for me to put my phone.... No point of safety. Holding my phone makes me feel better ><;

I can be so negatively fatalistic...

I don't know whether I'll be able to talk to anyone. My parents tell me to just make something up if I can't remember when asked about something on my personal statement, but I highly doubt I can do that with any degree of authenticity. I'd just tell them the truth. Darn parents won't give me the actual information. I wish they'd remember that just because I'm 18 and things in their life seem normal to them, that doesn't mean I know how to do them. They expect me to know how to talk to corporate people, or know how to do chores, or write a formal email. What on earth gives them that impression? It can make sense in my mind and I'll still be damned clumsy. My mind feels so distant from the world. It makes doing things hard. It's quite demoralising. It makes me feel rather useless. I probably am useless in that regard. I'm terrible at working with people.

I haven't had to travel alone in London before, which I might end up having to do. In fact, on Thursday I might well do that if things go to plan. Anyway, I'm hoping things go okay... Last time I had work experience, I dealt with having to know when I should be there by just staying in the shop for the entire day and not leaving for lunch at all unless directly asked to. My answer in such situations is usually to just close up, shut down and wait for it to be over. I don't even know whether I know what to bring. What jacket/jumper to bring. Whether I should print or email my CV. Whether I even need my CV. I hate that thing. My dad did the writing because apparently my style is too 'poncy'. It's just so stupid. It all feels false. I actually feel hatred for such documents. They refuse to operate on my level.

I watched all three Lord of the Rings films over the past four or five days. That was good. I've also got a decent way through the vampire questline in Skyrim's Dawnguard expansion. It's kinda amusing. I have about level 85 sneak so I just stay in sneak mode and wander around with my bow and arrows. Quite often I'll turn around and find that a skeleton has just spawned or come into play but hasn't noticed me. I love Serana. I like her character. I like the Dawnguard expansion in general, actually. Although currently my shield is working but invisible. It's annoying.

I got myself a Gmail account which combines my other three emails. I think it's great, so far. I can apply specific, hierarchical tags as much as I want.

It's my sister's... 17th birthday next week. How the hell did that happen? Anyway, I don't actually have anything for her as yet. I might get her something riding-related. Maybe.

Argh, I don't know how to feel about tomorrow. It'll probably be my usual mix of awkward, quiet politeness yet cluelessness, combined with an experience that most people would find to be just fine. Why do these things confuse me? It's not as though they should actually be difficult. Things just somehow get muddled on their way between my mind and the world.

It's 1am. How did that happen? Fuck... Oh well. Apparently I'm supposed to wake up at 6:30am and know what I'm doing and what I'm wearing... which is unrealistic. This whole thing feels kinda unrealistic. But then I'm tired and feeling pessimistic. It's probably influenced by that. I haven't even organised my clothes because it's so damned hot.

I'll go now. Goodbye.


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chilliduppy's avatar
you have dawnguard. i hate you. D: