Well that turned into a ramble and a half

There are thoughts in my head getting more and more frequent and they will not leave me alone. It's getting frustrating. They won't leave me the fuck alone.

So I reckon it's been a while. I'm sorry about that. Life is a bit.... scattered. There are pieces of me everywhere. Nothing seems quite as stable as before at this particular moment. There are two blogs, multiple people and... it's not as clear-cut. It makes me wonder about my suitability for interaction with this world.

I just got back from a two-week sailing trip. I don't know whether I told you, but I qualified as Competent Crew for a yacht about a month and a half ago. I excel in practical handling of the boat and knots. I am awesome at knots, haha. I tied an Ashley's Bend using my knot book as guidance when we needed one on the trip. I love knots. Anyway, the trip was in Croatia. The upside was that we had a 46 ft yacht that my Dad (who qualified as a Day Skipper) and myself could handle with assistance from our other two family members whom we instructed. I have discovered that I absolutely love being more knowledgeable and getting to explain it to someone concisely. The thing is that I tend to go very quickly. Anyway, unfortunately my sister got really freaked out by all the possibilities of disaster while sailing so we only managed one day when she wasn't screaming about it. We sailed every other day or so and got three days of proper sailing. I adore sailing. It's fantastic. I helmed the boat most of the time. It's particularly fun when the wind gets to 15 knots or so and the boat starts heeling at a significant angle. You have to really put your weight on the creaking steering wheel to get it to go as much as 90 degrees or more past the usual middle point to find the point of balance that will let you steer straight while keeping the sails powered (you can't have the wind too directly behind or in front of you or the sails will either be depowered or you will jibe or tack; none of those things are good). It's bloody fantastic. The wind feels great, too. Then there's keeping all the ropes done right, tacking, etc. If only my mum and sister had been able to enjoy it better. They were being so slow and anxious about letting us put the darn sails out and do some proper sailing.

I wasn't really sure about Croatia to start with. However, I discovered that it was previously the Roman province of Illyricum (which was then further split into Dalmatia and Penonia, and more into Dalmatia, Upper Penonia and Lower Penoniia, although the Croatian coast where I was is in Dalmatia, as shown by proud proclamations on menus everywhere of Dalmatian smoked ham and cheese). So, this means several things. Firstly, Illyricum was a very important province, bordering as it did the Danube border on the North, the Adriatic sea on the south, and the east and west sides of the empire. Secondly, awesome emperors came from there like Aurelian who put the empire back together and was a total badass, and Diocletian who gave it a whole new system from top to bottom. Diocletian was like a second, less successful Augustus (sadly he lived to see his system collapse around him due to the greed of the politicians to which it was entrusted). Thirdly, Roman and Greek ruins everywhere! I have walked on and seen several mosaic floors now. I identified that the ruins of some Roman baths we found were an early sort because they didn't have room for libraries, sports facilities, gardens, etc. I have also been to Diocletian's palace. The really cool thing is that the city of Split grew up in and around the palace so much of it (including its walls, pillars and the mausoleum as well as the ground, supporting structure) are still pretty intact 1,607 years later. I have walked all around the supporting structure of the palace which is so intact that it has all its doorways, ceilings, walls, floors.... It is so damn cool. It's amazing that it still exists. So, yeah, Croatia's a cool place.

Except it isn't. It's damned hot. The main things I had to endure on that holiday as the price for my sailing and the ruins were the constant presence of people which cumulatively had a hugely negative effect on my mood, the heat and the insects. I loathe midges. Amusingly, being me, I accumulated no tan in the 36 degree heat apart from a bit on my arms (not including where my short sleeves or sailing gloves were), and even that tan would look pale next to anyone else. It's a bit weird looking at myself in the mirror sometimes. I wonder what people must think. No wonder people sometimes ask me whether I'm ill. I sure do look it. Anyway, I hated that I couldn't escape the people. The best I could do was my stiflingly hot cabin and even that was right next to them. So, the first day back here was spent thinking almost nothing and just regaining energy. By the end of that holiday I was starting to feel really trapped and negative because of the constant people. I just cannot deal with it. This isn't constantly talking to people, mind you. It's the presence of people somewhere near me. Even that is draining >< I would be happy if I only did something every two weeks or more.

I miss chilliduppy. It's been three weeks now. Three weeks.

Results day on thursday. I don't know what to think about it. I know I'll be upset. One of the few things which cause me to be really upset is bad grades (seriously, I've cried the first times I got a B, C, D, E and U). I think the chemistry went pretty crap. One exam felt really horrible and the other, for which I hadn't studied enough, felt good, so that probably means it was even worse. The investigation was probably shit too. English was almost certainly alright unless I managed to score insanely low in the exam. I'm kinda worried about classics because I might have done well and got myself up to an overall B, or done rubbishly and got an E. I had an E and a C last year, and retook the E this year along with my other two. I'm also really into ancient history at the moment (you, ahem, might have noticed) so to score badly would be quite disheartening. Especially as they all felt as though they went well.

I don't know. I know that I'll probably end up opening them at school but I don't really want to because if I'm upset then I'll be stuck there and have to get home while trying (and most likely failing) to keep a lid on things. If I don't open them there then it won't fit with the template pattern of events. That doesn't feel good either. I would probably endure the first to fit with the second.... for some absurd, yet unknown reason. I'm a bit of a contradiction in that I have an overriding impulse to follow the perceived correct pattern of events whilst simultaneously having the impulse that I should do everything possible to avoid said events.

I know from previous experience that when I read the results the world will disappear a bit and drop away (that same, suddenly tense feeling as when you unexpectedly fall). I will instantly feel several times more cut off and zoned out than normal (which, seriously, is saying something, since I'm not exactly the most aware person). My mind will be consumed with enactments of possibilities (university interviews, discussing it with friends, discussing it with family, future careers, future selves looking back on the moment, etc), past events and probably sadness and failure, at the very least because I'm not currently on the track I should be, if not about the grades. These mental experiences are so consuming as to drag even more attention from the world around me because those mental experiences feel real. They give me the same emotions that they would if they actually happened. It's... kinda insane. I will also instinctively cut myself off from everyone else; partly because of the instant self-focus and mental isolation. I'll stare at the results... feel lonely... wonder about the experiences of others... probably observe from a distance and meander home after a while.

All this increases feelings of sadness. Which are actually kinda unnecessary. I know that they're lies. It's just that.... connecting that perception with the reality of post-results social interaction is a bit of a confusing prospect. Of all the possible reactions, which does one choose? Which expression? Which response? How does one treat the results of others, or choose which feeling to have about one's own results in comparison with theirs? This is part of the reason I might not choose to interact with someone when it's a slightly intimidating or confusing prospect. I'm busy with running through all the possible reactions and their implications. One might say that one simply feels something and acts on it, or simply feels happy for someone, but I don't necessarily have an opinion because I instantly analyse everything to figure out whether it's valid, and, as to the latter, how does one know whether that is the true reaction to have? Whether that's one's actual opinion? In order to have something to say on such a matter as one's results, one should have an opinion. It's a bit difficult to interact without a point of view to be coming from. Being completely impartial is confusing to orientate with respect to others.

Then there's the reactions one does show; automatically. Saying that one feels sorry that another got low results. Being perhaps unrealistically positive. The other might not even care. The automatic reaction feels false, which then renders it disliked, which then renders oneself disliked for having it saved as automatic in the first place, which then renders society disliked for instilling said reaction as automatic. All this is distracting from the situation in hand. Who knows where that person wandered off to by now. Honestly, I don't blame them. I don't imagine most people want to endure such conversation as I come up with most of the time. Anyway, conversation goes much more freely and quickly when it's with myself. Half the time it doesn't even need words. It's just all conceptual experiences and intangible concepts.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting next to people and saying nothing, I'm interacting with many of them; they just don't know it. Who knows, we might be having dramatic or intriguing conversations. Their imaginary selves might well be interesting, good friends. In such a place, my mind can be so damned busy. This is why I don't entirely dislike social experiences. Without them I find that I have fewer thoughts and realisations. They provide a greater number of stimuli. So, I will sit there, absorbing the atmosphere and considering things connected to the atmosphere, recent, current or future events, surrounding people or well-known friends, possibilities, subject matters under discussion nearby... I remember that several times I have been daydreaming in a lesson and, when asked by the teacher what I am doing (or something along said lines) I have proceeded to explain all my thoughts for the past five minutes. They.... usually move on at that point. Taking any one of the subjects mentioned would probably take too much time deviating from the planned lesson path.

Which reminds me. Path and pathway mean effectively the same thing. I wonder which came first. There must be so many similarly redundant words in the English language.

Hahahahahahahaha...... Hahaha. Hahahahaha. Oh my. Oh my, indeed. I haven't had thoughts like that for months. It's like a thought high. Hahaha. Now I feel like Gandalf. Or Dumbledore. Or Snape. Or not really. But why? No clue. Haven't really stopped to consider the connections yet. I suppose it was the tone of 'Oh my, indeed'. Potentially. Hahaha. I need to watch Lord of the Rings tomorrow. I love the battles....

Then there's.... I have to do some damned work experience in London next week. I don't know what to think about that. I have to write a CV, even though I don't have access to enough information to write one, really. Or know how.... Well, I sort of do. I'm also working on a personal statement from time to time which is already several times the word limit and goes on and on about random things connected to classics. I want to explain aspects of the subject to them that come up. Seriously, I am fucking verbose. I don't see how I can write a personal statement that fulfils both my values and their requirements. I will not write one which is insufficient, irrelevant or lies. To be honest, most of the nattering about how much one 'loves' subjects, or invented 'links' or 'reasons' as to why one chose something because it connects to the subject applied to in some stupid way, or how much one indulges in extracurricular activities.... all of that counts as irrelevant and mostly lying. So, I hate to include it. I want to talk about aspects of the subject that interest me, as one person of knowledge to another. I want to talk on a higher level because I know that they probably have the knowledge. All that other shit feels restraining and stupid. I hate to write it and I hate that I am going to have to take up precious intellectual space with lies or stupid, irrelevant statements about it.

Grrrrr. I want to shake my fist at all these stupid things. Only the knowledge matters. Why can't they see that? Well, I know why...... darn pre-programmed sentence structures. I don't like thinking about university, society or jobs.... It's just demoralising. Things don't match up.

I've had my driving license for almost a year now. Which is... interesting. The other day I drove to tunbridge wells, then found my own way all the way up to Burham near Rochester, then later had to drive to Cambridge and back.

This reminds me. I don't really like alcohol. I mean, I never drink it. Except sometimes. Even then only in very small amounts. I just don't see the point (in the context of myself; it sometimes makes sense with regards to other people). I like my rational mind and I want to keep it that way. I don't have any interest in relinquishing it to partake in activities which I don't like and I don't like the loss of control. I don't trust myself to take care of myself in such a state. Drinking just seems.... unnecessary. Sometimes being in this world seems stupid.

Up and down we go. Up again? Perhaps; perhaps not. It's very possible, but also quite improbable.

Another thing that sailing brought to mind was the guy-oriented mind clash thing again. That whole thing is just a total mindfuck. I don't want to go near it. Why am I mentioning it in this journal? It's supposed to stay squashed, damnit.

It has been highlighted again to me how much I fit the nerd stereotype. Seriously. I live in my room for weeks. I talk to... maybe two people. After a while I mostly neglect real-world responsibilities like, you know, food and showers. I know a lot about a few random topics. Why is my storage of thoughts on this disappearing?

I don't want Thursday to be here.

I don't want next year to be here.

I would like to hide in a dark corner with a library and the internet. I want my dark corner. It's safer there. Physical abilities don't matter.

I find it amusing that the worst insult I can think of for someone is to criticise their intelligence. That's probably the worst insult someone could give me. Argh, mental spiral.

I have a new friend. She's pretty awesome.

I don't know whether I mentioned to you about my interest in ancient philosophy and religion. Mostly because it gives me further evidence and because it's just so much more realistic (I'm thinking of polytheistic religion there, because I like the concept of realistic deities who have a different morality system and perception of reality, and who argue about things, thereby causing the problems in the mortal world, etc) and interesting. Would I be a Stoic or an Epicurean? I don't know. Marcus Aurelius (Stoic emperor) was pretty cool. I might be neither. I'd probably be neither. Let's invent a whole new philosophy.

This is just mind rambling now. I'm sorry. It's my journal, but it's you who has to read it. I wonder whether you have more conviction than myself to just skip and not read all of it.

I have no idea what to do with my life right now. Choosing any one of the possibilities requires both effort and cutting out all of the others; at least temporarily and in those particular forms.

At least Doctor Who and Merlin are back soon...

Oh man.... I'll leave you guys to it, I guess.